Where are you today? Like where are you in your head space? Is it a good place? a bad one? I believe there are those of you that are not in a good head space. Your beliefs are being challenged. You life is overwhelming. You feel like you could disappear and no one would notice, much less care. I'm here to tell you that's not true. I'm here to tell you that yes life may suck right now. That there may be difficult times ahead because of consequences to less than best decisions, or just because life can suck, BUT I'm also here to tell you are not alone. You're not alone in your feelings. Not alone in what you believe about how you could resolve the situation. This is the part where I add a huge...BUT
Life is difficult. Life is tricky. Life is overwhelming. Life is lonely. And life doesn't care when you feel like giving up due to difficulty, feeling overwhelmed or lonely. So it's a good thing that we aren't expecting life to really care about us, and we don't need life to care about us. We have people or loved ones who do care about us... Yes, even you! There are people who will be devastated if you leave in the middle of your story, much less the middle of their's.
I think this time of year produces a higher level of collective anxiety. There are so many life changes. School is starting for many young people and young adults. That can mean new campus' or living away from home for the first time. It can mean loosing friends and making new ones. It can mean leaving your child in an unfamiliar place. It means a lot of STRESS!!
If you're an older adult the stress isn't gone. I don't even believe its less or more, but it is different. Adults are trying to hold down jobs, accomplish life goals, pay a mortgage, rear a child or children, provide moral and financial support once they [the children] have gone to college. Stresses for adults can be HOA meetings or PTO meetings. Then there are late nights at work; early mornings at work. And parents always take on the stress of their children. There are intangibles to every person and every life to make your situation more overwhelming. I'll give you an example in my life.
I am battling a rare form of blood cancer, and while my cancer is in remission, it still has ways of rearing its ugly head. I've been fighting anemia since my diagnosis nearly 6 years ago. If you've ever had a bad case of the flu where your body feels heavy and it hurts just to be touched, you might get it. Then there's the fatigue, it is as heavy as a saturated quilt draped over your body. If you can picture that, good; it you've been there, great, you may have some idea how difficult it is to live with that aspect of anemia but that's not where it ends, there are many more pieces to that puzzle. The worst for me has been the insomnia. (I'm finishing this at 1:30 am) There have been times I haven't slept for 2-3 days at a time because of the insomnia/anemia. That causes mental and physical stress and we haven't even gotten to the good stuff yet!
Another aspect of the type of cancer I have, myeloma, is immune deficiency. Currently, I am going through infusion treatment to get my immune system back up to normal range and keep it there. Ya know so I can be around other people and get out of the damn house! I am infused once every four weeks and the time in-between is spent battling side effects, odd sleep patterns or insomnia, migraines, body aches that hurt so bad I don't want to move because the touch of anything causes more pain. Again with the outcome...stress.
The last point I want to make about myeloma is that in many ways its not like other cancers. When mine was found it was in my bone (ribs to be exact) but for other types of cancers if it's already in your bones that's end-stage and there's nothing that can truly be done. So, in some strange way myeloma was a blessing...I think so, for now. Things to know, I am in highest risk group for recurrence because it was in my bones, but I can deal with that. The risk for recurrence increases as time passes. The 5th - 10th years post diagnosis are the highest risk years for relapse, I'm finishing year five and entering year six. Lucky me? Right? Well, I think so but that doesn't mean I don't still struggle with "I have cancer". The phrase seems so final. So very scary.
There have been some dark times over the last few years. A few scares along the way that "it" might be back. I do my best to have a routine, do things to keep my mind occupied and I do okay. Then there's that empty space when all you do is think. You think about the bad and worse case scenarios. You challenge your own logical brain about what makes sense. I don't believe I'm alone in these feelings. You step just out of reach of those who love you and close enough to the edge to wonder what's over the edge. Close enough to wonder if there is worry, pain, or fear over the edge. This is when you either wake up and figure out that's the wrong path or you don't and you step closer. If you wake up, you hear the voices or see the importance you have in the lives of others and step back, pull your support system closer to you and secure the bonds of love they offer. Unfortunately, this is not the path of some. The draw to the edge to be free of all of lives burdens becomes to enticing and they jump. The jump can make you feel free for a very short time but the stop at the bottom will get you every time.
So, this is for those who are standing too close to the edge....DON'T JUMP. Personally, I believe there is no true release from this life's problems. If you jump you will be freeing yourself from your immediate pain or burden but you will be saddling that burden onto someone who loves you. I don't believe that ends your suffering because you will have to watch from your place in between and see everyone who loves you mourning. They will blame themselves. They will forever have a missing piece in their life and in their hearts. You will see this emptiness that you have forcibly burdened them with for life and not be able to help them. On this point I want to be clear because many people I've talked with confide that they believed this "jump" would be better for the people around them. I know the feeling myself.
After my diagnosis I found myself living life three months at a time. This is because I saw my doctor every three months for blood work and to monitor, or watchful waiting as they call it. BTW, I hate that term, "watchful waiting". It makes it sound like you're waiting for something to happen. When, in truth, the doctor will clearly tell you that they don't expect anything... "the cancer isn't coming back"...but I'll see you in three months. This is no way to live your life..trust me! But I did for years. So, after a while I began to wonder if my husband and son would be better off without me. I know they would be in a much better place financially. I felt that they would mourn but then they would go live their lives. They would say, "She's in a better place" or "At least I know she's not in pain". These things were so enticing that I began to wonder what was over the edge. But I knew better. I took the step back. I began to confide in my support system and I began to pray. I realize that I was beginning to believe my life had no purpose, but thanks to God and the people I love I realized I was not alone.
You are NOT alone. Whether you believe in God or not there is a plan for your life and it is not your job to decide whether you have fulfilled that purpose. I also know that your life can have one purpose for the various stages of your life. There was a time when my purpose what raising my son. Helping him to grow into a responsible man was my purpose but now I have a new purpose. Sure, the purpose of being his mother, friend, confidant, and advisor is still there, but it's not my full time purpose. God is showing me a new purpose. If you will be still and listen to the small voice, that can not be heard over the rising volume of life, you will hear your purpose. If you listen to your heart, your passion, you will know your purpose. There is a song that keeps me on track. It reminds me that if I have a passion in my heart for a purpose then that desire is confirmation enough of my purpose. I say this because some times you can't turn off the noise. Some times there is no silence. If that is where you are, listen to your heart. If a passion or desire has been sown into your soul that is enough.
You now have your purpose for living. Now you can step away from the edge and start walking in the direction of fulfilling your purpose. Now GO LIVE YOUR PURPOSE!!
